The war is still on...

I FEEL LIKE LIFE IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE A BATTLE.

It honestly just feels like I am always going to have these games going on in my head, like I am always going to have these thoughts stuck there.

I feel like I am always going to feel fat, that I am always going to care and always going to have to compensate and prove and validate, forever. I fear I am always going to fear getting fat and being more disgusting and that I am always going to mess up. 

I do HOPE it doesn't, but I feel hopeless to it too.

I feel like it’s just like this and it is going to stay like this, because I DON’T want to be those things. I feel helpless, I feel like nothing is going to change, that it is always going to be thinking, thinking, thinking, a juggling act, constantly making up for greed, and compensating calories to allow myself ‘bad’ foods. 

I feel like no one will ever understand the thoughts behind my eyes, when my eyes don’t show how much I over-think or how much thought goes in to every bite. All this still feels VERY real, even this far in , and that is what I am fighting, I am fighting my mind and fighting letting myself just accept all this and I just dealing with being stuck with this mind.

Yes, I have made progress. Yes, I am healthier. Yes, I have won some battles, But the war is still on,

but the conflict get complicated when I am STILL fighting on both sides, but I feel like I am fighting for the side I don’t morally agree with. I am fighting FOR recovery, I am fighting and challenging what Ana tells me, but to be quite honest, it still feels like I picked the wrong side. 

Damn anorexia’s spin doctors, selling her idolisations. Damn awareness making me question and damn society and damn myself to having to explain it all when I don’t get it. It’s complicated, complex and a big mess of calories, compensating and just not understanding what it all means or how it all feels...

and I am just....

...............................so

........................................tired.