29 November 2012

The war is still on...


It honestly just feels like I am always going to have these games going on in my head, like I am always going to have these thoughts stuck there.

I feel like I am always going to feel fat, that I am always going to care and always going to have to compensate and prove and validate, forever. I fear I am always going to fear getting fat and being more disgusting and that I am always going to mess up. 

I do HOPE it doesn't, but I feel hopeless to it too.

I feel like it’s just like this and it is going to stay like this, because I DON’T want to be those things. I feel helpless, I feel like nothing is going to change, that it is always going to be thinking, thinking, thinking, a juggling act, constantly making up for greed, and compensating calories to allow myself ‘bad’ foods. 

I feel like no one will ever understand the thoughts behind my eyes, when my eyes don’t show how much I over-think or how much thought goes in to every bite. All this still feels VERY real, even this far in , and that is what I am fighting, I am fighting my mind and fighting letting myself just accept all this and I just dealing with being stuck with this mind.

Yes, I have made progress. Yes, I am healthier. Yes, I have won some battles, But the war is still on,

but the conflict get complicated when I am STILL fighting on both sides, but I feel like I am fighting for the side I don’t morally agree with. I am fighting FOR recovery, I am fighting and challenging what Ana tells me, but to be quite honest, it still feels like I picked the wrong side. 

Damn anorexia’s spin doctors, selling her idolisations. Damn awareness making me question and damn society and damn myself to having to explain it all when I don’t get it. It’s complicated, complex and a big mess of calories, compensating and just not understanding what it all means or how it all feels...

and I am just....


  1. boy, do I hear that ... right there with you! xoxo ... keep fighting, pretty girl <3

  2. I don't know how to contact you - your recovery ninja tumblr has no ask box enabled. Just the last straw now - tweeting about sit ups & just other little things tht arent really recovery orientated. I get you might not be in a great place but idk, a lot of people probs follow you for recovery advice.
    Also, your tumblr, the pictures of rach & on fb 'this is what recovery looks like' pictures in her bikini, and stating her size on tumblr - not wise, really not. People will compare, not helpful.

  3. I'm not sure why you've kept your comment anon, or posted it on my personal blog, as if it is something regarding Team Recovery - can you please email teamrecoveryninja@hotmail.co.uk or FB message myself, Rach and Ally, thank you.