10 October 2011

Tennis with Ana...

Today has been epic in terms of emotions. I could not begin to count the number of different feelings/thoughts/emotions I have felt today. I have been in an all-day emotionally tiring tennis rally with my eating disorder...

It's Me vs Ana in this match...

...So, in relation to my earlier post, I am going to pick up where I left off, where I was about to serve for the day's match, by attempting to make a higher calorie dinner than I have been used to, face a 'fear' food - yes, baked beans - and see if I could take some points from under Ana's nose...and...

I had the jacket potato and baked beans (picture evidence!) which I TOTALLY needed to do. I need to now remember that was a point won against Ana which I need to keep doing BUT it is not the end of the world if every attempt at challenging Ana isn’t as successful. 

I need to remind myself that there is no need for perfectionism EVERYTIME when I am taking a shot at her. I did check online for the calories of a small potato, but I had already eaten it. It is recognising the thoughts but making positive and healthy choices even if they are harder than settling for the anorexic choices. 
Hello, Jacket and Beans!

I am not going to let myself feel guilty for making a ‘recovery’ choice right now or for taking a step AWAY from her. That'd be like feeling guilty for beating your biggest rival in a game of tennis wouldn't it? How stupid! 

I also feel like I convince myself that it was easy to do what I just did – as with everything in my life in the past I haven’t actually admitted to anyone that I find something’s hard and challenging – so now it feels that I have convinced myself that if it isn’t easy next time then I have failed. It’s like I try and forget how hard it was to do what I did tonight, and how long it’s taken me to eat that meal and how long the beans have been in the cupboard before I opened them tonight. I want it to be easy, so I am good at it. Though, I suppose every time I do it, it will be easier and I will get better at it? Like practising my serve, the more I practice the easier it'll be to serve an ace?

I also read something really helpful written by another recovered/ing anorexic tonight  A post by Kate Peoples on her blog 'Small Steps Upward'  -  that totally made sense and really helped me get some clarity and was like a well-needed cheerleader in today's match! 

This comes with its own problems though – I feel like I should have thought of this before, and I am rubbish for not realising that this is how I felt – and now I am copying her! Anyway, it was about TRUSTING your therapists/team and I came to the conclusion that at this crossroad I have the choice to trust everyone at the EDU that they are not lying to me, they know exactly what they are talking about and are experienced professionals that want to see me get better OR I can put my trust in Ana and carry on living a half hearted, restricted and disordered life? I just need to go for it, have faith that it is all going to be okay in the end. It’s terrifying but it will be worth it to be free and get on with my life. Like trusting world class coaches and ignoring the other players trying to trick me, right?

I also figured that I need to take recovery step by step – not panic about it all at once, which I keep doing. I first need to restore weight, just do it, be healthier and THEN Take time to deal with the emotions about my weight, body and anxieties AFTERWARDS. It's like worrying about the final at Wimbledon when I am only just getting though the second round isn't it? 

It’s REALLY not going to work that way – I need to remember that the sooner I restore my weight, the sooner I can work towards FEELING better about myself and work towards a healthier and happier me. The longer I stick where I am on the scales and with my intake, the longer I will feel like crap. Like, I'd feel crap if I got knocked out in this game because I listened to the other players telling me what to do, not my coach!

What a day! Emotional tennis in my head with Ana, but I think I won that game? New balls please! 

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