I am not sure WHAT or WHY and finally after 3 weeks of really, really struggling I am starting to FEEL more positive about this recovery thing.
I am getting little flecks of positivity, little moments of hope and more 'lightbulb' moments than I have had since I recognised my struggles with anorexia and finally asked for help back in May.
I am scared to be happy about this. But I need to go with it, I need to know that this is me awakening and finally getting my head round what it is I need to do to get better. It's like I am getting less scared of jumping, less scared of what will happen on the fall and becoming more able to TRUST that Mrs W, Ms F and my friends and family will be there to catch me.
One statement that came up in my session on Friday with Mrs. W. really helped, more than I can imagine.
"Think of it like this, what have you got to lose? If you restore your weight and REALLY hate it THAT much, you know you are going to be able to lose it again. You know you know how."
Mrs. W said I should take this thought and use it as a safety net, a comfort blanket keeping me warm as I venture into the unknown.
I KNOW she's saying this, however crazy it sounds, because she is confident that I won't feel worse once I am in 'positive energy' I need to trust her confidence in me, because she must have it, she wouldn't use being 'friends' with Ana if I get scared as motivation if she didn't would she?
What I added myself was that if I DON'T try, if I don't restore weight, I will never know. But if this journey takes me to a place I really hate, and I do fall back to Ana, least I will have tried. What have I got to lose by giving it a go?
You never know, Mrs. W might just be on to something here.....
Mrs. W has a really good point. Of course we don't want to say think we're going to run back to ED, but leaving the option open does make restoring weight and increasing calories seem much less scary. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? It's worth the risk.
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