7 October 2011

It's no big deal...is it?

I came across another blog this morning which I have re-read this evening and sometimes in recovery we look for inspiration from others. This is it for me today, mainly because I could have written it myself, it hits home and has made me consider my own 'NBD demons'

Loving Imperfection is worth following.

Her second letter to ED is poignant and hits home, especially the notion of 'No Big Deals' - every time I shrug off not reaching my calories, Ana say's don't worry. Each time I weigh or precisely measure out my food, Ana said, 'Don't worry, it's OK, you get comfort from me' and when I want to miss a meal Ana eggs me on. As I am eating, I feel I am doing enough, it's easy to think 'I'm OK." I haven't REALLY got an ED' I've talked about  feeling like I am 'faking' it and I could TOTALLY eat whatever I wanted if I tried. It's NBD if I count is it? If I chose things because of their calories instead of their taste? and it's totally normal to think about food all day, isn't it? Like I said, NBD?

But realistically these are the final ropes of my ED tied around my hands. This is something I have learnt today.

It's Ana is trying to keep her hold on my life, she's looking for new ways to continue being the sneaky bitch that she is. - trying to tell me that all these habits and rituals around food are 'normal' 


 This is what Loving Imperfection said; 

"I always said it was ‘just my personality’ because I truly never believed my eating disorder was ‘that bad’ and I also always wanted to prove how capable and ‘normal’ I was by rebelling against advice, but all the while this was ED’s final hold on me."

and a quote from her second letter to 'Ed' 

"You have taken one of my strongest attributes – determination and you have morphed it into a self hating mask of rebellion. When someone tells you “NO” you fire up in anger and say, “Watch me.” as if there is something to prove. Up until now, I’ve stayed in your revolting command, obliviously covering it all up with “no big deals” and “so whats.” So let me ask you this: If all of these “no big deals” were truly no big deal, then why have I landed here in treatment?

Read more on her blog or follow her on Twitter

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