There have been times when I thought
recovery was something different, when I thought recovery was admitting I felt
a certain way, or adding a few calories to my daily total. I thought that meant
I was recovered. At first I thought the goal posts for recovery changed, but
those are little milestones along the journey of recovery. But to know what
it’s like to be ‘recovered’ – well, I can’t wait to feel that, because most of
my life has been consumed with thoughts, emotions or behaviours surrounding
food and body image.
To truly be ‘recovered’ and free from my eating disorder
will take time, I know this, but I dream of what this means most nights, and
write about how it might feel most days.
Recovery will mean I don’t always need control. It will mean
I don’t have to pretend I am more recovered than I am. Because I will be.
It will mean I’ll be able to let someone cook for me, buy me
a meal, take me to a restaurant without me needing to choose the menu, the
ingredients or time we eat. It will mean I’ll enjoy eating out social without
shrinking in my seat when I can’t find something low calorie on the menu or when I
can’t work out the calories in food someone has cooked for me. It will be the
moment I can order a main off a menu and not two side salads. It will mean I
will order a dessert I love and share it with my friends. It will mean truly
being excited about birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and parties when normal
eaters enjoy food, drinks and cake.
My life won’t revolve around food. I won’t let food consume
my thoughts the way it does now. I won’t have to plan my meals, my calories,
and my totals days in advance. I will make the choice to stay at a friend’s
house, or go shopping at a certain time or have friends over when I want to,
not because it fits in with what I planned for lunch or dinner. I won’t have to
eat a different meal to my family or carry my ‘safe’ snacks with me. I won’t
spend hours wandering around the supermarket, obsessed and scared of the food
at the same time. I won’t spend hours picking up packets of food and reading
the calories and putting them back down. I’ll be able to make a choice without
even looking at the calorie content because I fancy eating something. I’ll be able to work out when I am hungry and
eat and when I am full and stop – I won’t have to stop when Ana tells me I’ve
had too much. I won’t spend this much money on food I’m never going to eat,
because I’ll be able to eat it without feeling guilty.
Guilt. When I am
recovered I won’t feel guilty for eating foods I love. I won’t feel guilty for
craving my favourite foods. I won’t feel guilty for wanting another serving or
an extra spoonful of pudding, because I’m hungry. I won’t feel guilty for not hitting my daily
calories, because I won’t count them that precisely. I won’t feel guilty for
hitting them either, because Ana will be silenced.
I won’t have a hundred rituals surrounding food and I won’t
play mental games every meal time. I won’t time my meals or worry that I am
eating too fast or too slow. I won’t have to weigh my food or worry that I
haven’t weighed it. Recovery will mean I am free from meal time maths. I’ll be
free from adding calories in my head and from ‘researching’ calories whilst I
am eating. I won’t have to distract
myself with reading or writing or counting to stop myself adding and I won’t
need to keep every meal at the same calories and every snack lower than every
meal.
I won’t fill myself up with diet coke, coffee and water to
take away hunger or make myself wait for mealtimes my eating disorder wants. I
won’t have to have the same ‘safe’ food over, over and over again. Or panic
when it’s not available.
Emotionally, recovery will mean I am happy in my own skin.
I’ll be able to accept my body and who I am. I won’t be paranoid about what
people think of me. I won’t have to triple check that ‘I look okay’ or if
something ‘makes me look fat’. I won’t constantly compare myself unfavourably
to others. I won’t think I’m the fattest, most ugly or least successful. I
won’t worry what people think of me, or how people see me. I won’t constantly
worry about what I’ve done wrong, or what I have said, or that I’ve annoyed
people. I won’t play situations that didn’t occur over and over in my head.
I’ll be able to take a compliment from a boyfriend without thinking he’s lying to
me and I will allow myself to feel beautiful when someone tells me they think that I am.
I will stop saying sorry for everything. Sorry.
I won’t feel so up and down, I won’t be so irritable or snap
at people when they haven’t got the food I like in, or they’ve prepared food
‘wrong’. I won’t get so upset about the smallest things or allow my mood to be
altered by food and calories. When I am fully recovered I won’t have to make
excuses for not going to events, or meeting friends or completing things,
because I want will do those things regardless of food and eating. I won’t shy
away from social events or spending time with people because of food. I will be
the sociable, happy me.
Recovery will defined when my body is functioning properly,
my blood will be fully restored and my immune system will be restored too. My
brain will function fully once again and my fitness will be restored. I will
have muscular legs again, not bones and skin and I will love my toned figure. I
will be able to exercise because I want to and I enjoy it, not because I feel I
have to or to avoid feeling guilty when I don’t. I’ll swim, run and cycle without working out
the calories I’ve burnt. The calories won’t be my motivation.
I won’t look in the mirror and see, fat ugly or not good
enough. I’ll look in the mirror and simply see myself for what I am. I won’t
poke, prod and feel my stomach nor will I tell myself I am fat. I won’t pick clothes
to hide my stomach, or feel uncomfortable in clothes that cling. I will wear
clothes I love, that make me feel fantastic. When I have restored my weight and
recovered I will be able to wear my favourite bras, jeans, dresses and top without
them drowning me. Recovery will be
defined physically when I’m not constantly cold, when I can feel the sunlight
on my skin and enjoy it.
Recovery will mean all these things are no longer part of my
everyday life. Recovery will be full when I am fully living again and my mind is free from food. Recovery is not quick and it's a journey that has many milestones along the way....I am on my way.
Oh my word this resonates so much with me. So glad i found your blog :) Keep on trucking lovely xxx
ReplyDeleteWow! I don't think I've found a better definition of recovery. This is definitely how I see being recovered x
ReplyDeleteThanks Samantha - I wrote this so long ago - it helps me to re-read and realise I haven't got there yet too xxx
ReplyDeleteWow this has made me feel quite emotional. You have described how I feel in so many ways. You deserve recovery and you will get there I'm sure. Keep going. X
ReplyDelete