5 June 2016

While my head quietly spins

I used to suffer from panic attacks, the sort where my body trembled, I could focus on nothing bar the trigger of my panic, it was clear for all to see. I was the girl with anxiety issues and it was obvious. 

In social situations I'd either a) worry for months about going, then not go to avoid panicking or b) I'd go and have to hide or leave after not being able to control the anxiety spin. That was the story of my socialising experiences from the age of 7. Be a meal out, a day out, two-week holiday or a school trip. Of course, I learnt to cope or avoid from an early age, so actually, as much as I know life could have been MORE enjoyable, I'd not been a hermit! 

Things have changed now though. Thankfully, I've not had a full-blown panic attack for years, but that doesn't mean I panic though. I see 'getting though events' as a tick-box, despite craving the enjoyment and for good times to last. So, inside, I might not be filled with terror or paralysing fear of situations, I rarely am, but my GOD I worry.

Wow, do I worry. 

What's worse is I TRY to keep the worry in and cope. I try to be normal. But my head takes me somewhere else. It quietly spins. When most people are embracing the moment, I am worrying about the food I've eaten, what I look like, what I've said, what I am (and what I am not) how I come across. I compare myself to those around me, I envy people's calmness, their clothes, their skin and their lives. Don't tell me I should stop comparing. I know "comparison is the thief of joy..." and all that. 

So what am I trying to say, why does my head quietly spin? That I don't know. But what I do know is that I am REALLY guilty of taking it out on those closest to me. Projection, getting snappy because people can't sense my spinning. I think they should be mind readers, obviously. I wish I didn't do it, and then what's more, I wish I could explain. 

If anyone is the same as me, and has a fairly robust 'brave face' and can turn the confidence on, you'll know what I mean when I say it's sometimes harder than being an outwardly anxious (or avoider) type. It's like I let it all build up, going round and round and round my head then purge the emotions.

I find a quiet moment to try and explain to someone and CAN'T effectively do it, because I don't understand myself sometimes. Not only that, there are thoughts I don't WANT to explain sometimes. I realise this makes me really hard to be around sometimes, I hate it. It's about being in control, I know it is. It's about the fact that my insecurities eat me alive sometimes. It's about seeing myself though negative eyes still. 

Basically sometimes, instead of panic attacks these days, I just let my brain remind me of how I should be.  

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