20 September 2014

Rewriting the rule book

Rules, rules, rules. The 'number one sin' in recovery from anorexia, I know.

It's the rigid food laws that landed me here, I'm pretty confident they sure to hell aren't going to save me. But still I write them (and rewrite and rewrite and rewrite) always living in hope that I can follow them from time to time, like a good gal' should?

Not in recovery, no. It's like the reactive processes I go through each time I get panicky about weight gain or greed or really just feeling bad about eating what I still see as 'too much' and being a problem. 

Even if they don't get written down any more or signed in blood 'To Ana, with love and devotion from Sarah', I'd be a fool to believe they don't get thrown around. It's more akin to promises of politicians bringing options to the table, to appease people of all persuasions in the hope for one vote.  Constant debate, no actual action (most of the time.)

Let me take you back to my weigh in a week ago. It went up. Okay, so that's been happening fortnightly since I battled April's relapse, one should think, well done Sarah, high-freaking-five. Au contraire. The first things to flood my mind are; "How do I make it stop, slow down..why do I eat too much, I'm too used to eating for weight restoration, what will happen when I hit target and still over-eat...why am I so lazy, unhealthy, greedy...and so on...." Which being sat with him, I talked through with Dr. B sat opposite me, waiting patiently for my usual 'Don't care' response. He then reminds me (over and over) that at this moment I do need to eat this much and not burn it up. Hmm.

But anyway, without a meal plan or food diary these days..I walk away and start scribbling a new 'mental manifesto'. 

I don't need to add that to my breakfast, I could go back to that lunch option, I'll only have that snack once a month, I won't pick at that, I'll be free with that, but make up for it....and so on.

This would be a hell of a lot easier to fight back at if I didn't BELIEVE it was needed. Deep down, when I stop thinking about it and ask myself if I NEED a rulebook for eating. I still believe I do. This also makes 'good-girl-me' feel guilty for NOT following the mental rules I create. Once again, putting myself firmly on the fence and going back to times when I was willing myself to stick to the law. 

I do have major apathy for anorexia's manifesto, I know picking up that militantly-enforced, handwritten and blood-signed law book ends badly* (*in death) But I'd be kidding myself if I didn't admit that I still keep rewriting rules mentally, and finding comfort that I try to stick to them - even if most of the time I do throw the rulebook out the window.

But there is the problem with this manifesto method. Guilt. The need for change, always leaves us open to be brainwashed by rule books which ultimately are full of lies.

No comments :

Post a Comment