18 August 2014

It's not me, it's...

...well, I don't know what it is. But the full body mirror and nakedness after a sun bed didn't help. 

I know what it's not though, it's NOT body dysmorphia. You know why? Because I haven't got BDD, never have had.

I know I'm not overweight, I know I am not 'fat. The number on the scale makes sense, I am not 72kgs, so can't LOOK the same as I did I lost weight. I know this. I see a different shape.

I don't want to look like I did at my lowest. I don't want my spine on show, I don't desire arms the size of a child's and I am not too fussed about a thigh gap. I never was.

The problem is I REALLY don't like what I've got. But then again, how many women do? There bits of my body I wish were more toned. There are bits I'd pinch in and curves I'd like to add to. I get that. Most women are unhappy with some part of their bodies (aren't they?)

The issue I have is my fixation with my stomach. I have to admit, I DO prefer the way it looks at closer to my lowest weight than I do right now. I still spend far too long wishing there was a way of NOT starving but having THAT stomach. 

I just DON'T want the protruding pelvis and muscle wastage in my thighs which gave me the midriff I approved of back then. 

It's just so hard when anorexia made me feel confident in a bikini and recovery really doesn't. But the thing I do know is that, it's not real. That confidence isn't me. It's anorexia and that stomach comes with a whole load contracts I'm not willing to sign. 

I just wish I BELIEVED that when I'm stood in front of a full length mirror. And I wish people believed me when I told them this.

1 comment :

  1. I believe you... I feel the same.
    I'm not willing to sign anorexia's contracts again but there are elements of recovery I find so hard. I want that stomach back but I really don't want the fear, misery and complete lack of me in return.
    I suppose I have got to a point where I want to live more than I want the stomach. The thoughts haven't gone away but I am (most of the time) able to 'manually override' them so I am not overwhelmed.
    I just wanted you to know I believe you, just because you want an element of something anorexia gave you doesn't mean you want to go back completely.

    Stay strong, I think you are amazing. Your blog helps me keep my recovery in motion. I'm sure there are plenty of others who feel the same.