27 July 2014

The LIVE (+Recover) Leg

Something is happening at the moment. I've gathered some pace. Something has clicked which is helping me let go and push on through these final stages of this journey. Let me fill you in, probably easiest by using the very title of my blog. 

Firstly, I DREAM of fully recovering from anorexia, I always have. I dream of trusting myself and others, I dream of having confidence in myself (and in my failures), I dream of being at peace with my body and life. I dream of winning. I still dream of all this, and more. 

Then if we look at RECOVER. That's been the aim since August 2011, the goal of the past three years. I've learnt to RECOVER in my own way, with my own team and at my own pace. It's still the goal. To recover, means to be a healthy adult BMI. To recover is to menstruate and have a fully-functioning liver. The latter two are still work in progress. To recover is to eat mindfully, normally and with out anxiety. I will come back to this one. I also want to TALK about recovery less, and speak to fewer people with EDs or recovering. 

and to LIVE. I think this is what I've been doing recently. And having spent the past three years in the RECOVER zone, this move to LIVE (+recover) makes me feel uncomfortable at times. Unsettled and uneasy too. It's like my new found ability to NOT have a meal plan, to NOT feel the need to write my food down, my ability to EAT OUT without as much anxiety. The reduction in dependence on my EDU team, the fewer hours spent thinking about anorexia or recovery. Or just my ability to COPE with being more social, working or talking - and living- is making me feel on edge. 

It's a strange sensation after such a tunnel-vision life for so long - you know, to be living not existing. It doesn't feel like me. But more than once in recent weeks I've been alone and thought - 'What the FUCK am I doing holding on to anorexia?' - out of nowhere thought, hell, Sarah. get out of this RECOVER trap and LIVE. Now. 

As you can imagine if you also have anorexia, these bursts of positivity towards recovering (and yes, I mean towards full weight restoration too) scare the hell out of me as well. I pull on the brakes and shout WAIT. There is a lot of doubt, why, how, why now, is this okay? What am I going on too?

I can't say I trust myself, I can't say I like or accept my body. I don't really feel good enough. Everyone else seems that little bit better than me. I am not sure where I stand with exercise or the drive to win/achieve/burn or race - or who (and what) drives those urges. I am still unsure and doubtful of my future 'peace prospects' and I am skill struggling to 'think' and act' out of some of my comfort zones. I really do need to work on some of the underlying layers some more. 

But one thing I do know, is I have shifted from RECOVER (+ Live) to the final leg of this journey and I am safely in the LIVE (+Recover) zone and I am not looking back. As I pour a cocktail of life, I think I'll take a slice of recovery to  add to this living beverage, thank you.

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