15 February 2014

Hello, can you hear me?

So this is the point in recovery where people stop worrying, stop listening and forget that anorexia 'exists' at all right? That's got to be it. But why? 

Because, yes, 'life' is going okay, there are positives, I'm full of enthusiasm for work, picking up confidence and building on experiences brick by brick - in the most positive way I can, which takes mammoth effort, but I believe it's worth it.  

I'm trying to talk positively about positive things too, something I've shied away from for a long time. Not make every 'I'm proud' or Well done' in to something negative instead. This is definitely perfectionism recovery in progress. 

I want to have positive news for everyone.  But how about when I drop the 'but my team a concerned and think I'm ignoring the eating disorder recovery thing a bit too much' line?


Followed by 'but focus on work', 'you're doing fine', 'work comes first now', 'you're okay'....or 'you know what you need to do', 'stay focused'...and on and on. So much so, that I convince myself I am fine.

How do I explain the unexplainable to people who didn't REALLY understand anorexia or recovery in the first place? After all, they did tell me 'to stop focusing on recovery so much, that I just needed to doing other things again' when I was dying from anorexia. Sums it up  Plus, how do I explain when I don't know how I even feel about it all, when I'm so blase about the problems I still face?

I understand that to people around me that I am 1000x healthier, happier, more 'Sarah', less dying and more confident than I was two years ago. But I am FAR from healthy, happy, alive and confident. 

Short of yelling my exact weight, my lingering anorexic rules, my detailed blood chemistry or the inside working (or lack of work) of my womb, there's not a lot else I CAN do. But is it even on their radar that I'm not too rosy on the inside, you know?

But what REALLY confuses me is my family telling me I'm looking 'well', that I am doing well, coping THEN seeing a close friend who tells me the polar opposite, pulls me up on possible weight loss and exposes the silent little niggles in me. Who the HELL do I believe and where do I go from here? I was confused as it was.

Do they hear me when I admit I need to strike some balance, get some motivation and stop ignoring recovery, stop ignoring the lack of social life or weight gain? Do they not see that anorexia is by my side? Can they not hear or see her too? Do they not want to?

I know I'm a louder voice than her nowadays and I do a bloody good job at shutting her up to focus on work and little bits of life. But she's still here and recently, I've let her get away with shouting off a little too much. But it only seems to be me listening. Again. 

I've learnt from the past, but it's frustrating and upsetting that they don't seem to have. After all, I am FINE, but I'm not fine too, that's how I got here in the first place. Coping, regardless. 

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