23 January 2013

Welcome to my (not so) Merry-Go-Round


“If you start cutting corners, you’re just going to end up going around in circles….”

And that circle will keep me trapped with my eating disorder and not enable me to BREAK FREE, break off, jump off or make it stop spinning.

BUT the problem is the circle, the bubble, the merry-go-round or whatever I see it as, seems so much safer than the two options I believe have;

1) To gain weight (and fight anorexia) 
2) To lose weight (and give in to anorexia)

A circle?  It has so many safety bonuses, for a start, at least it’s a circle, when I get to the start, the top or whatever, it is the same the next time around. I know what is coming and part of me is okay with that. It PROTECTS me from those two options. I don't want either. 

I know what's coming. I can prepare.

But there is still a bit of me that does know staying on this merry-go-round forever will make me dizzy.

I will run out of oxygen in this bubble.

I don't WANT that, I don't want this life -Sat here, scared to move. I don't LIKE being dizzy. I despise merry-go-rounds and the way they make me feel. 

I know it is not right, even if it is safe. It is hard to stop the ride, to stop the circling, even though I am well aware that it is really not solving anything staying on the ride. I am not going anywhere, I am not changing or fighting if I just sit here going dizzy.  


There are so many other rides I prefer, that I want to experience, if I could just find the courage to get off this one. 

3 comments :

  1. A spiral, not a circle.

    Down and out or up and out.

    It's this simple; life or slow death.

    I know which one you want. Keep life your aim and there's only one way you can go. Use me, use us. FIGHT for your life. You fucking deserve it.

    I
    x

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  2. Love you. Thank you. You're ace. x

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  3. You CAN find the courage to jump off the merry go round and see what awaits. You have a huge amount of resourcefulness and bravery (Team Recovery is proof of that!). Going in circles gives an illusion of safety but it isn't really safe. When you do jump, you will find that you have everything you need to cope. I am trying to do the same, and I know it is hard, but it will be worth it.

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