26 February 2012

POEM: You want us all the same

I am finding the easiest way to make a little sense out of the 'An/Sarah' and the new level of 'AWARENESS' confusion in my mind is through poems, usually, like this one, typed on my phone in a foggy moment.

The awareness I've found in recovery is an amazing tool in fighting my eating disorder, but it also brings another level of confusion to the dinner table. I've also struggled recently with the notion of being 'ok' and 'not anorexic' and not not as 'ill' as others, the outsider in Ana's circle of friends, because I'm fighting - we go back to the bully metaphor here - I'm lying, because in walking away, I'm messing up. Which always ends in the bottom line: I'm eating, I'm getting fat, in her eyes.

This illness is cruel. It never allows us feel like we're DOING WELL or GETTING BETTER. We're taking our medicine (food), following what the doctors prescribed (the meal plan) but feel awful for it. Instead, those emotions are transformed by our EDs into MESSING UP and getting FAT. But like I said, my new found awareness that this is in fact the distortion Ana puts on recovery to hold me in her clutches, just blows my mind to the complexity of MY/OUR illnesses! (see, I did it there, seperating myself from some one with AN; that am Im NOT ill because I know this?)

Anyway. This is what's been spinning around my head for the last 24 hours. AND this is how it came out creatively.

---You want us all the same---

Im not good enough for perfect
Never perfect in your game
Your perfect isn't possible
You want us all the same

You make me feel unworthy
Of being branded with your name
Im the one that's not enough
You want us all the same

Am I different or the same?
And I alone or am I in?
Is it 'we' or is it I?
Am I fat or are they thin?

For you we'll never be perfect
Always flawed and never right
Your cruel words make me empty
We're lying if we fight

Your tricks and lies are endless
There's always someone more
Someone better someone thinner
Someone else that you adore.

There's the ones that really listen
And believe the words you say
They live the life You want for them
They disappear and obey

You make us feel we're special
When we listen to your lies
But you make us feel we're lying
If we uncover your disguise

You hate me for fighting
I'm not worthy of your name
I'm weak and I'm lying
I only have myself to blame

You've taken every inch
Every kilo. every pound
Every last little bit of me
And thrown me to the ground.

You blur the lines of logic
And mix up truth and lies
Your games are ever changing
You have more than one disguise

You still suffocate and strangle
After we've turned our backs on you
You still make us feel we're failing
In everything we do

But Am I different or the same?
And I alone or am I in?
Is it 'we' or is it I you want?
Am I fat or are they thin?

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