30 November 2011

I never was good at long distance...

I keep thinking about why I am here now after everything. A new way of looking at it I figured out when I was talking about everything during a really deep session with my psychotherapist.  

"I have ended up here because I have finally stopped running from my feelings"

There was only ever going to be so much I could do to distract myself from how I felt about myself, how much I could distract from how SHIT I felt about myself. 

Quite simply that  I couldn't keep myself busy forever. Running between journalism and gymnastics, shopping, visiting people, going out, partying, reading, men, men, men, watching TV (more shopping) and working my ass off in the gym whenever I could. It would end in me burning out physically and psychologically in the end, and it did. 

I have always avoided being honest about how I really felt about myself, how jealous I get, how much I envied others, their lives and bodies. How I wanted to be perfect, wanted to be the best, wanted more from myself. I need to accept that this was always anorexia and the physical side effects of my eating disorder have only been on show since I have stopped running from these feelings and thoughts. 

I got tired of running away from ‘her’ tired of keeping up the front and tired of hiding behind everything I want to be or want to have. Whenever I felt really bad about my body or life, I'd spend hours wondering around Westfield or Selfridge's buying shoes and having facials, to distract from the real feelings. Never clothes, I hated my size and trying them on, Hmm!

In the last 12 months my ED has taken full control of my life and my life has been consumed by anorexia, but in the past, the behaviours and thoughts and feelings have come in waves and just kept getting stronger and stronger each time. Until they got too fast and strong to run from any more.

I need to accept that my life has become the way it has now because I have been running for so long

If I ever needed proof that I need to sit still, psychically and emotionally. It’s right here. I need to be honest, truthful, mindful and aware about everything if I am going to solve what I have been running from. If I don’t speak the truth now I might not get another chance. I will just be running forever, running from my feelings rather than dealing with them or being led to believe that ‘they aren't that much of a problem.' or that I don't really have AN or I am NOT as bad as the next girl who's fussy with food. 

 I need to SIT, be STILL and accept that I need to not distract myself or keep denying that I have a ‘real’ problem and remember that I never did like running long distance.....

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