18 November 2011

Bella Reminds Me Of Someone..?

....dying, weak, pale and skeletal, being eaten from the inside by a demon?

As a Twilight fan I queued for my midnight screening last night of Breaking Dawn Part 1. Those of you who have read the book and now seen the film will know the story. Bella finds she is pregnant with Edward's child/vampire/immortal featus after having sex on their honeymoon on the Isle of Esmee.

A 'being' inside of her, sucking the life out of her, making her weak, killing her. Her resistance to help from the people who love her, her determination to let 'it' control her and her unwillingness to listen to those around her, as they have to watch her slowly dying as a result.

For anyone else suffering with or attempting recovering from Anorexia Nervosa will probably agree, it all sounds very familiar.

Scenes from the film, showing Bella becoming thinner, more emaciated, weaker and less coherent really, really hit home for me, it shocked me and has been playing on my mind since.

As I was sat counting my days' calories, wondering if I looked greedy or fat trying 3 pick and mix sweets, as I worried about tomorrow and the day after on my meal plans, got anxious about seeing what I was seeing and as my session at the clinic earlier that day sunk in, I realised that what Bella and Edwards unborn 'child' was doing to her, is what Ana is doing to me.

The scenes were really hard to watch. It was hard to watch her becoming weaker and more skeletal. The pain in Edward and Jacob's eyes as they watched the girl they loved dying from her determination to keep hold of something that was killing her. Seeing her lying on a hospital bed, too weak to move.

Watching her get in to the bath, her spine and shoulder blades showing, her collar bone prominent, was a little too close to home for me. It shocked me and reminded me of what I have to look at in the mirror every day at the moment. It reminded me of how much damage I have done to my body in my quest for perfection. Bella didn't look beautiful in that scene nor did she represent life. She didn't look perfect. She looked ill, weak and she represented death.

I thought of all the girls who have already lost their lives to anorexia, all the girls who were so determined to keep hold of Ana, striving for Ana's perfect, those who listened to her for too long, lost their lives striving for comfort from something or someone who was ultimately sucking the life out of them. 

It choked me.

It also reminded me that it could be me, it could be any of the Recovery Warriors I look to for support and those I hope I give support to, it could be the girls who go to the clinic I go to, the girls who are IP, those who are OP, the women who suffer with AN their whole lives. It could be me.

The thing is, Bella has Edward to catch her last breath, he could help her with his venom, give her immortality. Save her. What I need to remember, and what I hope other people striving for recovery remember, is that we don't have Edward Cullen to save us.

We just have our own courage, strength and the support of our therapists, dieticians, friends and family to make sure our inner demon doesn't kill us.

Keep strong and listen to the people standing around, watching the life being pulled from us and remember how hard it was to watch Bella lying, dying. I will.

1 comment :

  1. i just saw the movie and i felt the exact same way. the words that were being said to bella in the movie and her refusal to give up the thing that was killing her, and her being so "sure" she was strong enough despite everyone's desperate pleas just took me back to all the years i struggled with my ed. it hit me really hard and was tough to watch as she got weaker and weaker. powerful. it's crazy just how powerful it was and all the feelings that flooded me as i was sitting in the theater watching it.